I’m gonna post some old Anti Valentine’s Day pics. Even when I had a sexy vday lover to share these days with, I still made these great pics. These are pretty old so pardon the art styles. Still funny though!
Crappy Suckentine’s Day
Still Here
The more things change, the more they stay the same…no wait, that’s bullshit. I call BULLSHIT!
I really don’t like when things change for unnecessary reasons. Especially when whatever program, software or corporation makes it too obvious that they’re doing it just to get money. I don’t like how WordPress is so hard to use these days. It’s like you need a freakin’ degree or something to make a simple post. It’s ridiculous! Did you know that once upon a time, Photoshop was a program you could buy, just once, and own for years til you really needed to upgrade? Most times you didn’t need the upgrade. Even my local transit app is charging subscription fees for extra information and features. GTFO!
I find that the more I unmask my ADHD in real life, the less able I am to handle these kinds of changes. It makes me really…frustrated…to do the things I used to take for granted. Even just sitting at my computer makes me get flustered. I can’t seem to get the setup right. I can’t appreciate the tech I have. It’s perfectly fine, it’ll get the jobs done that I want done. But I’m uncomfortable. And I’m so aware now of my needs that if I can’t meet them, I end up getting paralyzed on the couch and doing nothing. I really don’t like it.
Well I’m still here though. And still trying. I’ll keep trying. It’s what I do. It’s in my blood, to keep trying, keep going. I’m like that cockroach that you can squish to a quarter of its height, and it gets up and keeps moving. Or you might bite my head off, but I’ll still keep going. Just longer than their week or so expected life once headless. Ya.
So I’m gonna try to do more art. I have the time. I’ve rid myself of that excuse of not having time and opportunity. I’m a bit…lonesome? Not having the best days of my life for the last six years. But I’m still here. And still trying.
I love my art. It just stings when I make it, and share it, and no one loves it back, ya know? I gotta work through that. I am working through that.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
Trying to be Creative
It isn’t easy.
I committed myself to being more creative with my time in June of this year. I came back from a festival and felt…not alive. I felt like the festival helped me live, but it felt like what I had at home, what I spent my time doing, was not living. So I chose to cut out the security job I was doing. That took a month because I’d already committed myself to working at another festival in July. And after that…I just feel different.
I don’t feel old. I feel…like I value time more. Like I see that time passes, and no matter how much or how little of it I have left, I want to use it the best way I know how. And that’s doing things I love doing.
I was doing a lot of hobbies. I gave most of my hobby supplies away. I was using hobbies as a way of keeping me busy. And nothing was ever finished, nothing was ever really done or created. Whereas when I write or do art, I feel accomplished almost immediately. I can see my progress. I can see it being appreciated. That matters to me.
I wish WordPress wasn’t so sucky. This is pretty tough to write in, as a medium, because the keystrokes aren’t being acknowledged. It’s that whole ‘in the cloud’ thing, where if you don’t have a fast enough computer or internet connect, it can’t connect and save to the cloud quickly enough to put it onto the ‘page’ if you will. I’m typing words quickly and they aren’t showing up. I guess that’s because so many people rely on auto correct for things. I really don’t. I know what I’m trying to say. I don’t need or want a system trying to do it for me.
I’m working on a book. And I have a new character I’m using based on my World of Warcraft experiences. I started playing that again. Yep, sure did. I’m lonely, don’t judge me. Of course, what’s lonelier than playing in a world as vast as WoW and not seeing any actual people? I don’t know. I’m better off going on a bus in real life, I’ll see plenty of people then. But I think I’ll be disappointed. Real people are so…real. Know what I mean?
I like elves. And orcs. And monsters. And things that in the real world would hurt but that in our world, well, they don’t. I like that.
Ugh Posting
I have SUCH a hard time getting in here to post. I know it’s to my benefit and to the benefit of anyone left in my fanbase. But ugh. I think it’s because I’m overwhelmed in real life with work and the like. Rent’s behind, but groceries and family are fine. Know what I mean? I don’t work enough but I could work more. I don’t wanna! Ugh…
Well here’s a shot of my lovely avatar self playing around in Superfly and lighting. Look at that shiny skin, but don’t ask me how it got to be like that! I’m also working on getting back to doing series for Renderotica. A friend of mine from Discord just got accepted by them and I want to get in to it too. I’m already one of their accepted artists. Now I need to use this as a source of income and get to work. His work doesn’t have words so maybe I can do that too. Straight pic series? Count me in! But what would my subject matter be? Pure bondage, I’m thinking. A pinup set? Maybe…maybe a few different girls of mine, my OCs, doing pinup and bondage and pinup bondage? We’ll see what my buddy thinks.
Anywho, here’s that pic.
Looking For Requests
I don’t do scat, vore, cp, animal or urine. That leaves a lot to your imagination!
So get in here and give me some ideas! Come find me on Discord at the Metrobay Comix server, in the Creator Corners section.
C’mon an’ play wiff me!
New Artwork New Self
So I made a thingy. A girly girl. My avatar of course. But this one I call DireBat!
See, I’ve been pretty consistent with my Metrobay Comics series. Sometimes I’m late or I have had to miss a monthly update. I never enjoy doing that. I don’t get a great deal of feedback there except from one of the admins, he’s very sweet to me. Well both are, everyone there is nice, in fact. If you haven’t found them on Discord, then I dunno what to tell ya! Anyway, anyone who knows me knows I struggle without feedback. It’s not so much that I thrive on validation as it is I thrive on dopamine. I’m an adult diagnosed ADHD, as well as some other really interesting Ds. Like one chick said to me, “I’ve got all the Ds except the one D I want!” Bwhahahaha! Neurodivergents. We are awesome.
So I’m trying to entertain myself with my art. I used to LOVE being in love online, and enjoyed making pics for people, especially of my characters in online games like World of Warcraft. But before WoW, before Everquest (the original!), there was Yahoo! Groups. And we roleplayed in those hard. Like, so hard. And that got me hot for adult roleplay pretty quickly.
Recently a family member who is very dear to me lashed out against me and my behaviours online. To be clear, I haven’t had anyone to play with like that for FOREVER! I really miss it, but I’ve been pretty busy in real life trying to sustain myself and my cute little family. We’re making it. Not thriving quite yet but soon. I’m too busy to really ‘fall in love’ if you will, with a nice sweet boy online. So anyway, this family member seemed pretty confused about some events that occurred about…twelve years ago now? Whatever. She’s allowed to have her pain. And it’s not my job to correct her narrative. I know my truth, cuz I was kinda there. And anyone who knows me knows I’m pretty damned transparent. To a fault. Gives me grief in real life at work, when some hoodlum wants me to be all ‘cool’ and secretive and I’m like, “uh no, hold on, calling da cops!” I can often be a Karen cuz of my need for transparency and to have things above board, all out on the table. Again, it’s a common ADHD thing.
Anyway, rambling. But that conversation with my family member really…stirred me up. Not in that I am suddenly having guilt. No, not at all. Probably the opposite…? I feel like I want to return to something I’ve lost over these long years, over this decade of divorce and division.
I used to be a sexual being. Since the baby (he’s 6yrs old, by the way!), I’ve been afraid of sex. And not just real life sex – I’ve been fearful of that cuz sex (even the protected kind!) = babies = near death experiences = no thank you! Online too, I’ve been avoiding sexual situations. I’ve been afraid of who I was, because people in real life made it out like I was bad.
I’m not bad. Since 1999, I have struggled with that thought, that my sexuality causes people to feel things, and that therefore I am responsible for their feelings. For the consequences of their feelings. For their hearts when they inevitably break.
I’m not. I’m not responsible for their hearts or their pain. I never lied. I don’t do that. And I break too. But my broken heart is on me, always on me. Sure, people can be real dicks sometimes. But getting hurt and getting broken, that’s on me. If someone is a dirty penis, I need to walk away. That’s up to me. I’ve never really been the revenge type. I tried it once, it failed horribly in that it succeeded soooo righteously. Ugh! XD But no, people online who have broken me, I’ve used what authorities and resources were available in whatever medium, and then left the scene.
Cuz that’s what we do. We don’t lash out. What’s the point? How does that make me bigger or better than anyone else? It sure doesn’t. How does that stop my pain? Sure doesn’t. And sure, knowing someone else is hurting as much as I might be does make my dark little heart pitter patter…but that’s not the real me. That’s a result of childhood trauma, neurodivergence, etc., etc., etc. The real me cares. Always. That’s why people ‘fall in love’ with me. Because so often, I attract people who need caring. And I give it, cuz hey, I love it!
I miss adult roleplay. I miss making art that makes ME wet. I miss making art for individual boys – and sometimes girls! – online that rocks them, that sticks with them, that hits them hard. I like hard…
I wanna be more me. I’m setting up my real life to let me be more me. It’s showing some results. Someone tried to seduce me a week or so ago. Me?? Like….me?? Someone asked to go for drinks. Someone gave me ‘the look’. I tend to drop the ball, or have for the last four years or so. But…now I want to play. I want to take that ball and own that friggin’ court. Like I used to.
I dunno where I’ll go with this urge. I dunno what game to play, since WoW is so politically and morally fucked, and the other games that have come out can’t compete with the world Blizzard created for me. But I can write for me. And I can make art for me. Art like this.
I hope you like it…I sure do. It’s like…masturbation worthy, mmm…
