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While We’re Waiting…

In case you haven’t heard, I’m waiting for a new computer. Once I get one…boy am I ever gonna go to town! I’m gonna become the Daz Studio girl I always said I would NEVER be! That’ll teach me for using the word ‘never’, yeah?

Until then, my Discord friend balthazarbludd and I were talking about this great saying I found on Instagram:

Sooo fucking sexy… That gets me hot, right there…yum!

Anyway, I decided to offer a challenge to balth about making a picture for this! He banged one out really fast, and if he was more responsive in chat, I’d be asking him right now if I could post it here! But alas, alack, people have lives…

Here’s my first copy, straight out of Poser. Must say, it turned out pretty freakin’ good!

But…I know that with the tricks I’ve learned over the years on Photoshop, I could touch it up just a bit…Voila!

What do you think? I wanted to make it so she had that kinda hungry growl to her look…I was telling the guys that no matter what men think, no girl I know wants to be caught making stupid porno face! YOU guys might like it…we don’t like it! I wanted my girl to look powerful and mostly in control…mostly. But to have that little growl escape her lips as he drove home his point, if you will. Ahem!

Can’t wait to get that new computer.

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Crappy Suckentine’s Day

I’m gonna post some old Anti Valentine’s Day pics. Even when I had a sexy vday lover to share these days with, I still made these great pics. These are pretty old so pardon the art styles. Still funny though!

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Still Here

The more things change, the more they stay the same…no wait, that’s bullshit. I call BULLSHIT!

I really don’t like when things change for unnecessary reasons. Especially when whatever program, software or corporation makes it too obvious that they’re doing it just to get money. I don’t like how WordPress is so hard to use these days. It’s like you need a freakin’ degree or something to make a simple post. It’s ridiculous! Did you know that once upon a time, Photoshop was a program you could buy, just once, and own for years til you really needed to upgrade? Most times you didn’t need the upgrade. Even my local transit app is charging subscription fees for extra information and features. GTFO!

I find that the more I unmask my ADHD in real life, the less able I am to handle these kinds of changes. It makes me really…frustrated…to do the things I used to take for granted. Even just sitting at my computer makes me get flustered. I can’t seem to get the setup right. I can’t appreciate the tech I have. It’s perfectly fine, it’ll get the jobs done that I want done. But I’m uncomfortable. And I’m so aware now of my needs that if I can’t meet them, I end up getting paralyzed on the couch and doing nothing. I really don’t like it.

Well I’m still here though. And still trying. I’ll keep trying. It’s what I do. It’s in my blood, to keep trying, keep going. I’m like that cockroach that you can squish to a quarter of its height, and it gets up and keeps moving. Or you might bite my head off, but I’ll still keep going. Just longer than their week or so expected life once headless. Ya.

So I’m gonna try to do more art. I have the time. I’ve rid myself of that excuse of not having time and opportunity. I’m a bit…lonesome? Not having the best days of my life for the last six years. But I’m still here. And still trying.

I love my art. It just stings when I make it, and share it, and no one loves it back, ya know? I gotta work through that. I am working through that.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

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I Tried to Update…

and then the website broke…

WordPress isn’t the same anymore. It requires a level of coding that I’m not comfortable learning right now. I guess if I have a working website with images and the like, I ought to just leave well enough alone. But when I got here tonight, the images didn’t load right away. Clearly there were problems.

I’m in a real funk. I’m not sure what to do about it. I quit doing my other jobs so I could focus on my rl healing job, and leave time for writing and art. I am committed to these being how I make money for my family. But every time I get a day to do these things, other things come up in real life that say no, you can’t, you must spend the entire day doing mundane muggle things that piss you off and make you cry…

I cry. A lot. I cry at least twice a day right now. Sometimes more. I cry in public, I don’t care anymore. I welcome the tears, because tears are the body’s way of regulating. And clearly I have a lot I need to regulate. But boy is it hard having other humans around when I’m crying. I don’t need anything from them. I’m not doing it to get attention. I just need to decompress, to let out the pressure that builds up inside me. Crying does that, like a release valve on a pressurized pipe. It just works for me. But then I see how people react and I feel guilty. I don’t like it, not one bit.

I’m here. I’m trying. You can’t tell because all the work I’m doing is behind the scenes. I’m doing art. I don’t share much of it. I’m opening up my paysite again. I’m going to reclaim my patreon. And I’m going to try and get some commissions going. How, I don’t know. I need to delete my Deviant Art profile so I can start fresh. I guess that’s as good a place to start as any.

The website allowed me to go into recovery mode and delete the themes and plugins that were breaking it. It wasn’t broken long, I don’t think anyone would have noticed. But it’s frustrating. I remember when WordPress was easy. Drag and drop. Now they trick you into installing themes and you install them, and think you’re gonna get these cool functions – and they say no, you have to pay if you want that! Forget it. I’m not paying.

Guess I better learn what to do with this coding after all. Sigh. Frustration is me.

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Trying to be Creative

It isn’t easy.

I committed myself to being more creative with my time in June of this year. I came back from a festival and felt…not alive. I felt like the festival helped me live, but it felt like what I had at home, what I spent my time doing, was not living. So I chose to cut out the security job I was doing. That took a month because I’d already committed myself to working at another festival in July. And after that…I just feel different.

I don’t feel old. I feel…like I value time more. Like I see that time passes, and no matter how much or how little of it I have left, I want to use it the best way I know how. And that’s doing things I love doing.

I was doing a lot of hobbies. I gave most of my hobby supplies away. I was using hobbies as a way of keeping me busy. And nothing was ever finished, nothing was ever really done or created. Whereas when I write or do art, I feel accomplished almost immediately. I can see my progress. I can see it being appreciated. That matters to me.

I wish WordPress wasn’t so sucky. This is pretty tough to write in, as a medium, because the keystrokes aren’t being acknowledged. It’s that whole ‘in the cloud’ thing, where if you don’t have a fast enough computer or internet connect, it can’t connect and save to the cloud quickly enough to put it onto the ‘page’ if you will. I’m typing words quickly and they aren’t showing up. I guess that’s because so many people rely on auto correct for things. I really don’t. I know what I’m trying to say. I don’t need or want a system trying to do it for me.

I’m working on a book. And I have a new character I’m using based on my World of Warcraft experiences. I started playing that again. Yep, sure did. I’m lonely, don’t judge me. Of course, what’s lonelier than playing in a world as vast as WoW and not seeing any actual people? I don’t know. I’m better off going on a bus in real life, I’ll see plenty of people then. But I think I’ll be disappointed. Real people are so…real. Know what I mean?

I like elves. And orcs. And monsters. And things that in the real world would hurt but that in our world, well, they don’t. I like that.