I Tried to Update…

and then the website broke…

WordPress isn’t the same anymore. It requires a level of coding that I’m not comfortable learning right now. I guess if I have a working website with images and the like, I ought to just leave well enough alone. But when I got here tonight, the images didn’t load right away. Clearly there were problems.

I’m in a real funk. I’m not sure what to do about it. I quit doing my other jobs so I could focus on my rl healing job, and leave time for writing and art. I am committed to these being how I make money for my family. But every time I get a day to do these things, other things come up in real life that say no, you can’t, you must spend the entire day doing mundane muggle things that piss you off and make you cry…

I cry. A lot. I cry at least twice a day right now. Sometimes more. I cry in public, I don’t care anymore. I welcome the tears, because tears are the body’s way of regulating. And clearly I have a lot I need to regulate. But boy is it hard having other humans around when I’m crying. I don’t need anything from them. I’m not doing it to get attention. I just need to decompress, to let out the pressure that builds up inside me. Crying does that, like a release valve on a pressurized pipe. It just works for me. But then I see how people react and I feel guilty. I don’t like it, not one bit.

I’m here. I’m trying. You can’t tell because all the work I’m doing is behind the scenes. I’m doing art. I don’t share much of it. I’m opening up my paysite again. I’m going to reclaim my patreon. And I’m going to try and get some commissions going. How, I don’t know. I need to delete my Deviant Art profile so I can start fresh. I guess that’s as good a place to start as any.

The website allowed me to go into recovery mode and delete the themes and plugins that were breaking it. It wasn’t broken long, I don’t think anyone would have noticed. But it’s frustrating. I remember when WordPress was easy. Drag and drop. Now they trick you into installing themes and you install them, and think you’re gonna get these cool functions – and they say no, you have to pay if you want that! Forget it. I’m not paying.

Guess I better learn what to do with this coding after all. Sigh. Frustration is me.