Trying to be Creative

It isn’t easy.

I committed myself to being more creative with my time in June of this year. I came back from a festival and felt…not alive. I felt like the festival helped me live, but it felt like what I had at home, what I spent my time doing, was not living. So I chose to cut out the security job I was doing. That took a month because I’d already committed myself to working at another festival in July. And after that…I just feel different.

I don’t feel old. I feel…like I value time more. Like I see that time passes, and no matter how much or how little of it I have left, I want to use it the best way I know how. And that’s doing things I love doing.

I was doing a lot of hobbies. I gave most of my hobby supplies away. I was using hobbies as a way of keeping me busy. And nothing was ever finished, nothing was ever really done or created. Whereas when I write or do art, I feel accomplished almost immediately. I can see my progress. I can see it being appreciated. That matters to me.

I wish WordPress wasn’t so sucky. This is pretty tough to write in, as a medium, because the keystrokes aren’t being acknowledged. It’s that whole ‘in the cloud’ thing, where if you don’t have a fast enough computer or internet connect, it can’t connect and save to the cloud quickly enough to put it onto the ‘page’ if you will. I’m typing words quickly and they aren’t showing up. I guess that’s because so many people rely on auto correct for things. I really don’t. I know what I’m trying to say. I don’t need or want a system trying to do it for me.

I’m working on a book. And I have a new character I’m using based on my World of Warcraft experiences. I started playing that again. Yep, sure did. I’m lonely, don’t judge me. Of course, what’s lonelier than playing in a world as vast as WoW and not seeing any actual people? I don’t know. I’m better off going on a bus in real life, I’ll see plenty of people then. But I think I’ll be disappointed. Real people are so…real. Know what I mean?

I like elves. And orcs. And monsters. And things that in the real world would hurt but that in our world, well, they don’t. I like that.

Found Jason Hill at Audible!

Weee! Gods this man’s voice rules me. And then I randomly checked Amazon.com to see if he was there. He was, and he IS!

First, there’s this book about vampires – what the fuck, I LOVE vampires! – and Jason is the narrator.

It’s free with an Audible account, which I happen to have..ahem! But I tell ya, I’d pay to hear Jason Hill saying ‘fuck’ the way he says ‘fuck’….fuck…!

He’s also included in one of the Chilling Tales for Dark Nights anthologies.

Wonder what story he narrates there? He’s so delicious. Sometimes when I’m listening to the Chilling Tales for Dark Nights podcasts, an ad for Horror Hill comes on, and it’s clearly an old one with Jason Hill narrating. Drives me nuts, it does. Gives me a wetty no matter where I am, time of day or night, bus or walking or sitting or shopping. Just…Jason Hill. Man, I love that voice. He’s so smooth. Like, the other narrators all remind me of someone else who is already famous. One at CTFDN sounds like Matthew Mcconaughey, another sounds like Justin Long. You can just picture this or that popular person telling the story. But Jason Hill is incredibly unique and I just can’t get enough of him.

Know who he reminds me of? Remember the Originals, the WB or CB or whatever vampire show spin-off to Vampire Diaries? And then there was the stuff with um, the witch girl and the blonde vampire, and the lil babies? But then there was that random vampire that came out of nowhere, seemed Cajun or something. Had a very Joe Manganiello look about him, but he was incredibly random and outstanding all at once. Jason Hill is like that. He’s just…his own original. Can’t get enough!

EDIT!! I had to research that vamp. It’s Enzo St. John, played by Michael (it’s just a bunch of) Malarkey.

I’ll download some of these and hopefully remember to come back and tell y’all how hot they were to listen to. Yum!

New Artwork New Self

So I made a thingy. A girly girl. My avatar of course. But this one I call DireBat!

See, I’ve been pretty consistent with my Metrobay Comics series. Sometimes I’m late or I have had to miss a monthly update. I never enjoy doing that. I don’t get a great deal of feedback there except from one of the admins, he’s very sweet to me. Well both are, everyone there is nice, in fact. If you haven’t found them on Discord, then I dunno what to tell ya! Anyway, anyone who knows me knows I struggle without feedback. It’s not so much that I thrive on validation as it is I thrive on dopamine. I’m an adult diagnosed ADHD, as well as some other really interesting Ds. Like one chick said to me, “I’ve got all the Ds except the one D I want!” Bwhahahaha! Neurodivergents. We are awesome.

So I’m trying to entertain myself with my art. I used to LOVE being in love online, and enjoyed making pics for people, especially of my characters in online games like World of Warcraft. But before WoW, before Everquest (the original!), there was Yahoo! Groups. And we roleplayed in those hard. Like, so hard. And that got me hot for adult roleplay pretty quickly.

Recently a family member who is very dear to me lashed out against me and my behaviours online. To be clear, I haven’t had anyone to play with like that for FOREVER! I really miss it, but I’ve been pretty busy in real life trying to sustain myself and my cute little family. We’re making it. Not thriving quite yet but soon. I’m too busy to really ‘fall in love’ if you will, with a nice sweet boy online. So anyway, this family member seemed pretty confused about some events that occurred about…twelve years ago now? Whatever. She’s allowed to have her pain. And it’s not my job to correct her narrative. I know my truth, cuz I was kinda there. And anyone who knows me knows I’m pretty damned transparent. To a fault. Gives me grief in real life at work, when some hoodlum wants me to be all ‘cool’ and secretive and I’m like, “uh no, hold on, calling da cops!” I can often be a Karen cuz of my need for transparency and to have things above board, all out on the table. Again, it’s a common ADHD thing.

Anyway, rambling. But that conversation with my family member really…stirred me up. Not in that I am suddenly having guilt. No, not at all. Probably the opposite…? I feel like I want to return to something I’ve lost over these long years, over this decade of divorce and division.

I used to be a sexual being. Since the baby (he’s 6yrs old, by the way!), I’ve been afraid of sex. And not just real life sex – I’ve been fearful of that cuz sex (even the protected kind!) = babies = near death experiences = no thank you! Online too, I’ve been avoiding sexual situations. I’ve been afraid of who I was, because people in real life made it out like I was bad.

I’m not bad. Since 1999, I have struggled with that thought, that my sexuality causes people to feel things, and that therefore I am responsible for their feelings. For the consequences of their feelings. For their hearts when they inevitably break.

I’m not. I’m not responsible for their hearts or their pain. I never lied. I don’t do that. And I break too. But my broken heart is on me, always on me. Sure, people can be real dicks sometimes. But getting hurt and getting broken, that’s on me. If someone is a dirty penis, I need to walk away. That’s up to me. I’ve never really been the revenge type. I tried it once, it failed horribly in that it succeeded soooo righteously. Ugh! XD But no, people online who have broken me, I’ve used what authorities and resources were available in whatever medium, and then left the scene.

Cuz that’s what we do. We don’t lash out. What’s the point? How does that make me bigger or better than anyone else? It sure doesn’t. How does that stop my pain? Sure doesn’t. And sure, knowing someone else is hurting as much as I might be does make my dark little heart pitter patter…but that’s not the real me. That’s a result of childhood trauma, neurodivergence, etc., etc., etc. The real me cares. Always. That’s why people ‘fall in love’ with me. Because so often, I attract people who need caring. And I give it, cuz hey, I love it!

I miss adult roleplay. I miss making art that makes ME wet. I miss making art for individual boys – and sometimes girls! – online that rocks them, that sticks with them, that hits them hard. I like hard…

I wanna be more me. I’m setting up my real life to let me be more me. It’s showing some results. Someone tried to seduce me a week or so ago. Me?? Like….me?? Someone asked to go for drinks. Someone gave me ‘the look’. I tend to drop the ball, or have for the last four years or so. But…now I want to play. I want to take that ball and own that friggin’ court. Like I used to.

I dunno where I’ll go with this urge. I dunno what game to play, since WoW is so politically and morally fucked, and the other games that have come out can’t compete with the world Blizzard created for me. But I can write for me. And I can make art for me. Art like this.

I hope you like it…I sure do. It’s like…masturbation worthy, mmm…

It’s Been Awhile

So I’ll just leave this here…

It’s Been Awhile – Staind

And it’s been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it’s been awhile
Since I first saw you
And it’s been awhile
Since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it’s been awhile
Since I could call you

And everything I can’t remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that are rendered
I’ve stretched myself beyond my means

And it’s been awhile
Since I can say that I wasn’t addicted
And it’s been awhile
Since I can say I love myself as well and
And it’s been awhile
Since I’ve gone and fucked things up just like I always do
And it’s been awhile
But all that shit seems to disappear when I’m with you

And everything I can’t remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I’ve rendered
I’ve gone and fucked things up again, again

Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day

And it’s been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it’s been awhile
Since I said I’m sorry
And it’s been awhile
Since I’ve seen the way the candles light your face
And it’s been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste

And everything I can’t remember
As fucked up as it all may seem to be, and I know it’s me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me

And it’s been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it’s been awhile
Since I said I’m sorry

Chilling Tales for Dark Nights Horror Podcast

It’s a podcast! With horror stories voice by professionals!

And they read one of my stories! Eeeeeeeee!!!

It’s true, I swear it’s true! I listened to MY STORY on their Spotify podcast Chilling Tales for Dark Nights just this morning. Oh to hear MY words, my descriptions, by pros like Erik Peabody. I don’t know the lovely ladies that helped but oh, I have listened to quite a few stories by Mr. Peabody. Oh so happy!

I will provide the text for you to read here, but you can also join the Chilling Tales for Dark Nights website for a small fee and see my story and so many other great ones. I’m also gonna repost my sexy lil take on Jason Hill’s photo – he’s an idol of mine that does a podcast linked to the CTfDN site called Horror Hill. Go figure, right? And oh do I have a great story brewing in my dark little heart based on my infatuation for this sexy mister. One day I might be blessed enough to have that story master read one of my tales, mmmm! His voice, and his inflection, and the lil quips he puts in to each premise or preface.

Please consider taking a listen on podcast programs like Spotify, iTunes and even YouTube – CTfDN is on all of your favourites, and if you can find THEM, you can find MY STORY! My voice? No…well not yet *purrs wickedly* But my words, oh so delicious! Check them out!

And here is the reposted image I made in tribute to one Jason Hill, as well as the text of the story I submitted and that they read for everyone!

~~~

The Little Girl who Cried Wolf

The Little Girl Who Cried Wolf

“Once upon a time, there was a big bad wolf-“

“Mom!” Heather cried out loudly, cutting her twin sister off. “She’s doing it again!”

The girls’ mother Tracy appeared at the door, flicking on the light and mock-glaring at the two beds across the room. Heather was pointing emphatically at the other bed, where Linda had pulled the covers over herself.

“What’s going on now?” Tracy asked.

“Linda’s scaring me!”

Heather pouted and continued to point at the giggling lump of blankets and sheets that was Linda. The ten-year-old watched as their mother came fully into the room, pretending to scowl as she grabbed at the blanket-covered pile on Linda’s bed. Clearly she was not taking Heather’s concerns seriously, a thought confirmed by Tracy reaching under the blankets and giving Linda numerous tickles. Heather huffed and crossed her arms over her chest defiantly as her twin squealed in delight. Her eyebrows were furrowed harshly as her mother turned to her with a smile.

“You know she’s just teasing you, sweetie,” Tracy said, moving over to Heather’s side of the room.

Some of the fight went out of the glowering twin as her mother sat next to her and tucked loose wisps of hair behind Heather’s ears.

“She’s been teasing me all of my life!” the girl continued, trying to stay angry. It was hard when her mother’s sweet voice and soft touch were so calming.

“Well that’s only been ten years, Heather,” Tracy teased.

“And we got at least another ten more!” quipped Linda from her bed.

Heather glared at her sister, then huffed again and laid herself back down. Tracy tucked the blankets up around her daughter’s shoulders and chin, then gave Heather’s forehead a kiss. She moved to the door, turning around once to wag a finger at both girls.

“I don’t want to have to come in here again, okay? Let’s have a quiet night tonight. Got it, ladies?”

Both girls nodded in unison, and Tracy turned off the light and closed the door. But once it was closed, Linda sat straight up in her bed and laughed, looking at Heather.

“You’re such a chicken!”

“You make me a chicken!” Heather insisted, sitting up as well.

“They’re just stories, they can’t hurt you!”

“That’s not the point!”

Linda laughed and fell back on her bed, smiling up at the ceiling. “You make it too easy, sis.”

Growling, Heather rolled over and put her back to her twin. She wanted to sleep. She needed to sleep! Linda was always making her life so difficult, why couldn’t she just let Heather sleep?

For a few moments, there was quiet and blissful silence. But as soon as Heather noticed the quietude, it was shattered by a shrieking and howling sound. Heather sat up, panting and breathless, only to see Linda sitting like a dog in the middle of her little bed, head tilted back.

“Stop it!”

“No! I heard something howling outside, the moon is full, I’m gonna howl too!”

Outside beyond the house, the pack of sled dogs their father kept in a large barn began to howl. They made a terrible racket, their doggo voices so out of tune with each other. Some of them were fluffy Canadian Eskimo dogs, while others were Chinook breeds. None of them bore the melodic sounds of a wild wolf, and neither did Linda. It was a cacophony of noise that forced Heather to put her hands over her ears in an attempt to block it out.

“Shut up and go to bed!” Heather insisted loudly, but Linda wasn’t listening. Her sister continued to bay at the imaginary moon up above her, lips puckered to extend her pretend dog-like muzzle.

“Mom!” Heather screamed, “Linda won’t let me go to sleep!”

Now it was Tracy’s turn to huff as she entered the room, this time leaving the light off. Heather watched her mother as she moved to Linda’s bed, whispering softly to her first born. Linda seemed to calm and settle as Tracy tucked her in and gave her a kiss. Then she went to Heather’s bedside again, easing Heather into laying down.

“Listen,” Tracy said, her voice almost a coo. “Linda is your sister. She will always be your sister.”

“But will she always be Linda?” Heather snarled.

Tracy put a finger to her own lips, shushing the girl’s angry words and continuing to speak.

“The two of you are like the moon and the sun. Just like them. One dark, one light.”

“I’m the moon, right, mom?”

Tracy shook her head, smiling and making Heather feel very confused.

“No, Heather. Linda is the moon and you are the sun.”

“But she’s the bright one-“ Heather tried to insist.

Tracy pulled the blankets up to her daughter’s chin once more, tucking them firmly around her shoulders as if that would keep her still for the rest of the night.

“The moon is all whimsy and dreamy. That is Linda. Dreamy and funny and silly and lighting up the darkness with her laughter. You, my dear, are the sun.”

Heather didn’t understand that at all, but said nothing, her silence meant to encourage her mother to say more. The sound of her mother’s voice was soothing, even over her childish fears and indignant anger.

“The sun is warm. The sun is strong. The sun decides the seasons for the whole planet. It’s the sun that decides when it will be spring, and when it will be winter. Only the sun can tell the flowers when to bloom, or the squirrels when to store their nuts in the trees and hollows.”

Heather nodded, trying to understand.

“That’s why you are the sun, my dear,” Tracy said, smoothing her hand around her daughter’s dark hair. “You are the strong one. You are wise, you are serious and determined, and you are powerful. So powerful!”

The little girl glanced over at her sister. Linda was either asleep or getting there, or she was getting really good at pretending. Then Heather looked up into her mother’s loving gaze, her own expression softening.

“I’m the sun,” she whispered, and Tracy nodded.

“And you give the moon purpose. You decide when it’s daytime-“

“And I decide when it’s nighttime. So the moon can shine.”

“You got it!” Heather’s mother said with a smile, booping the tip of her daughter’s nose with her finger. Leaning over Heather, Tracy let her lips rest on the girl’s forehead for a moment before smiling into her eyes.

“So let the moon be the moon. And you be the sun. Let the moon shine and do its dance through the clouds. In the daytime, you’ll be the strong and powerful one, the wise one that makes all the big choices. The moon follows what you do and what you say. Let her have the night to herself.”

Some of what Tracy said didn’t make sense to Heather. She was only ten, after all. But she was okay with the words her mother spoke. Her mother was wise. Maybe, she thought, her mother had been the sun too, when she was a little girl.

“I love you, mom,” Heather whispered, feeling the weariness of being a twin weighing her down. It caused her limbs to feel heavy and yet light at the same time. When Tracy leaned down to give her another kiss, Heather’s eyes closed instinctively. She thought she was just blinking but before she even realized it, she was out like a light. She never even saw her mother tiptoe out of the room and close the bedroom door.

The next time Heather opened her eyes, it was because some sound had startled her awake. She lay very still, blankets still tucked firmly around her. They were so tight, it almost felt like she was being restrained. Her eyes flitted around the room quickly, and she turned her head so that one ear could hear better, free of the pillow. She could see Linda all loose and akimbo in amongst the toss of her blankets. But definitely not awake. She was even snoring softly, a sound Heather had known all her life. A real snore, not a fake one. Heather was the only one of them awake.

There was the sound again. It was a scratching sound. It was like a bending tree branch brushing the siding of the single-story house, but Heather knew there hadn’t been a wind all day or night, not so far. The sound was close, and against the exterior wall of the room, the wall that bore the room’s only window. Heather slowly turned her head, lifting up slightly to look at the window, searching for the source of the noise.

It was a big picture window covered with lacy sheers of white and pink, and lit up from the outside by the lights in the yard. On either side of the window were the heavy curtains Heather’s mother would draw closed during the coldest nights of the year. This was spring though, and the drapes were tied to the sides of the windowsill, dark purple cloth that went almost from floor to ceiling. On nights like this, the two curtains made the little girl think of two tall ladies standing next to the window, watching over her and her sister. She preferred to think of that rather than the terrible stories her sister would come up with about shadows and-

She heard the sound again, this time it was definitely at the window. As she watched with wide open gaze, a thin dark object tapped on the glass lightly, as if testing it. Then the object drew away and everything was still. But soon enough, there was more noise as the window began to slide open. Several curled dark claw-like objects were moving the window upwards, pushing on it until it stuck and stayed open.

Heather couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t think. She could not even call her mother, something she had always been able to do at the slightest annoyance from Linda. She could only stare as something huge and black and hairy moved through the open window to stand between the dark curtains. It too was as tall as the ceiling, and it cast a shadow from the outdoor lights that seemed to spread and fill the entirety of the bedroom.

The little girl stared so hard that she felt her eyeballs might pop right out of their sockets. She couldn’t do anything else but take in the image before her. Her body was frozen, her limbs beyond heavy or sleepy. It was as if she had no limbs at all, as if she were just a head, just a set of terrified eyes. As Heather watched, more and more details of the room’s new occupant came into view. The darkness of its shadow was immense but the outlines of its tall body were becoming clearer.

It was wolf-like but it stood on two legs. Instead of ears, it had slitted wrinkle-lined holes on the sides of its head. But its jaws and muzzle were long and dog-like, its canines and incisors extended into gruesome fangs. Heather could see its pale pink gums, as if it had no lips to cover its teeth, as if it were always snarling.

The creature’s body was slightly hunched, as if it were too tall for the room. With its grey eyes staring at her, it growled low, fiercely, causing its whole body to shake as if in need. Or in hunger. Heather could see wicked drips of drool hanging from between its sharp teeth, and she watched as it flicked at these with an incredibly long and flexible tongue, scooping up its own saliva before it could drop and hit the carpeted floor. All over the creature’s body were patches of dark hair, some black, some silver. Other patches of skin were bare, as if the monster was suffering from some mange or fur-killing illness. Its head and muzzle and jaws were bare of fur, but a tangled mane stuck out around the thicker part of its neck and along its shoulders. It’s belly was bare, the skin blotched white and grey like a Dalmatian. But along its back went a ridge of hair so pokey and spiked it could have been made of quills.

The creature stared at Heather. Heather stared back. And then she was a child, just a child, not a twin, not the sun, nothing but a ten-year-old girl. She lifted her arm from her blankets, sitting up and pointing at her sister’s bed. It wasn’t an act of malice or of anger. It was purely instinctual and done in primal self preservation. Heather pointed at Linda’s bed and the creature began to move towards it.

Not daring to breathe, Heather drew backwards, away from the approaching monster. She slid first one leg, then half her bottom, out from under the blankets. The rest of her followed in a slow and snake-like slide, and soon Heather was under her bed, cowering on her knees and hugging herself as closely to the floor as she could.

Linda didn’t cry out. There was a snarl, a snap of the monster’s jaws, and then a gurgling and gushing sound. Dark liquid began to soak into the sheets of Linda’s bed where they were hanging off the side of the mattress. Heather couldn’t do anything but stare, lost in the insanity of the moment that was happening before her eyes. The sounds she heard, of teeth gnashing against muscle and sinew and crunching over bone, slowly drove her mad.

After several long minutes, the creature moved. Heather’s eyes followed its progress as it made its way on all fours to the open window. One of its hands or paws reached up and tore at the lace sheers that were barely in its way, a gesture of pure unnecessary destruction. It turned its head to look directly at Heather, obviously aware of her presence beneath her tall bed. Heather felt her innards clench then go soft as she realized the monster held an arm in its teeth. Her sister’s arm. Trying not to scream, the only twin left clapped her hands tightly over her mouth. This made the creature seem to nod its huge head. Then it turned and slipped out the window without a care to what devastation it left in its wake.

Hours later, Tracy flung the door open, screaming at the sight that met her hopeful gaze. Linda’s bed was evidence that she had been right, that when her husband went to see why the dogs weren’t barking and noticed the girls’ bedroom window open, that something was terribly wrong. Tracy threw herself pointlessly onto the blankets, tearing through them as if searching for something – or someone.

Roy came in then, a big bulk of a man. He towered over his despairing wife, dumbstruck himself by the amount of blood and gore that Tracy was now covered with, so quickly. Then he moved and looked around the room.

Heather’s bed was empty.

“Heather!” he shouted, staring at the window. But there was no response, no reply.

Then he looked at the side of the untouched bed of his second daughter. A puddle of liquid had pooled there on the floor, staining the carpet a darker colour – but it wasn’t blood. It had leaked from under the bed.

Roy picked up the bed easily and tossed it to the nearest wall, exposing his lone daughter curled up over herself on the floor. Tracy turned and scooped the girl up and into her arms, cradling her and searching all over her little body for wounds or injuries, or a clue to what had happened to Linda. Heather’s hands were still clasped over her mouth, and it took all of Tracy’s strength to pry them off.

“Calvin!” Roy called out to the officer in some other part of the house. “Calvin, come here! Now!”

Then the big man knelt over his wife and child, cradling them both in his heavy arms.

“Heather!” Tracy sobbed over and over again. “Heather! Heather!”

“What happened, baby girl?” Roy asked, tears pouring down his cheeks.

Officer Ernest Calvin entered the room, one hand on his holster, the other squeezing the talk button on the radio hooked to his coat collar. He studied the scene around him carefully, saying nothing.

“Heather?” Roy asked, looking into Heather’s sightless wide eyes. “Heather, what happened?? Where is your sister?”

Heather’s lips moved, puckering up tightly til her lips were surrounded by wrinkles, her cheeks sucked in. Barely any sound came from those lips, but there was something. She was trying to say something.

Leaning down, Roy turned his head and put his ear towards his daughter, struggling to listen.

“W-w-w….” the little girl said ever so softly. “Wolf…wolf…..wolf….”